Curves Ahead - 3: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!

A picture is worth a thousand words, even if it is a picture of words:

 So this was interesting... But at least my feelings are normal?

I went to my sister for a little advice. She's younger than me, but been married since October 1, 2011.  Our relationship has never been the typical older sister gives younger sister sage advice.  The age difference between us has never really mattered. I give her advice and she gives me advice. So I thought who better to go to with my frustration?

I very much enjoy her answer to my question, "oh most definitely." It allowed me to understand my own feelings and let me let go of the emotion and focus on the issues at hand.  As you can see, I described the issues we were facing.  I felt as if I were in an uphill battle.  There's Kirsten, pushing that damn ball of socks, dirty dishes, and melee up that damn hill...

After confiding in my sister I was able to talk to Paul honestly about how I felt... Not to say there isn't a funny story that precipitated it.

It was your typical night after work. Both of us were home and we decided to do Laundry Mountain.  We loaded up our laundry into the car and headed to the laundry mat.  To be honest, that experience was quite wonderful.  We got so much laundry done and folded. Despite me attempting to leave a load in the washer and leave--we laughed at spending the additional 32 mins waiting for the final load to dry.  I had put the basket in front of the washer, opened the door, then walked away.  I don't understand myself sometimes, but it was  nice we saw the humor in it.

When we got home, we decided to change the sheets on the bed.  I saw him struggling to pull the corner of the tighter fitting queen sheet over the corner of the bed.  I tried to show him the "proper" way to put sheets on.  Yes, "proper" because it is my interpretation from what I've learned in my experiences.  He sort of rolled his eyes and it annoyed me.

When got that bottom of the bed done, we did the top.  I look and see  him again struggling to pull the damn corner over the edge.  I don't exactly know what snapped inside my brain, but I had enough and just screamed, "Are you serious?! I just showed you how to put the sheet on and you're not even trying?" I'm sure there were more colorful words that went along with this conversation, but I'll leave it to your imagination. If you've ever gotten into a stupid fight with a significant other you know exactly how to fill in the blank.

Cut to Paul outside smoking a cigarette--his way of coping.  I was in the room just muttering to myself, "unbelievable" and "I just f*cking showed him.." and things to that effect.  I pulled the sheet over the final corner and started to get annoyed that he just got to walk out.  I finished making the bed and walked down the stairs to talk to him.

Of course, being that I was in the stellar mood that I was decided that my first words out of my mouth should be, "Are you ready to act like and adult now?"  Smooth move, Kirsten. Smooooooooooth.  To which he promptly turned heel and walked back down the sidewalk.  I called him back and apologized.

We walked upstairs and back to the room.  I told him that I am sorry that it seemed liked I was always critiquing everything he did.  I told him I didn't mean to come off like that.  I then decided to rationally explain that when I worked at the Hazen Inn in Phelps, I had to make beds on a daily basis.  I learned the trick to making  a bed and saving the wear and tear on the sheets on the corners.  I told him that it would mean a lot to me if he could just use that simple method of putting sheets on.

Ladies, you know what I'm talking about.  Guys tend to give it the old pull it over the edge and sometimes the point is on the corner, sometimes it isn't.  And forget about making sure it's pulled all the way down along the top! 


For those of you just dying to know my secret, I place the fitted sheet on the bed and do usually the top two corners or the bottom.  Once I get to the other half of the bed, I flip the sheet inside out on the corner and stick my hand in the point where the sheet is sewn together (that would normally rest on the corner). I then smooth out the sheet and hold it in place with that hand while using the other to pull the excess over the edge.

But coming full circle, we were able to talk like rational adults.  Then, we tried something miraculous. We discussed other little peeves while we were CALM.  What a difference.  He still leaves his sandals in the living room, but at least I know it's an honest mistake.  When you have a calm head and discuss things, it allows for a longer reaction time to statements.  Also, you don't feel as defensive and the overwhelming need to be right.. all the time.

Obviously, it doesn't mean never-ending domestic bliss from here to forever.  But it gives us a good place to start.  Day by day we are understanding each other more.  We are trying to be respectful of each others feelings, personal space, and expected level of cleanliness.

Curves Ahead --Formerly Newlywed and Scare Shitless--Numero Dos

What the hell is a budget?!

So I can't say that saving money is my forté.  I've got less than most consumers when it comes to credit card debt.  I don't exactly know what a savings account is.  Let's be honest, I live hand-to-mouth.  When I met Paul I had always told myself I would be with someone who is more fiscally responsible than me.  I ended up with the blind leading the blind.

We did budget, if by budgeting you mean a triage of what absolutely needs to get paid or we'll be in bigger trouble.  This was done every paycheck.  However, it didn't provide any relief. The only satisfaction I ever really had was knowing that I had a roof over my head and that I was doing the best I could.  The worst part is that we sort of pissed away any dime that was left and pushed the balance in our checking account down to the dollar. 

I think that the apex of our fiscal interactions with each other turned nasty when we went through the drive-thru at Hardee's. Our debit card was declined for a 13.00 purchase. I looked at him and asked him what the hell he'd spent our money on.  This escalated into a argument about how he has to be more responsible and how embarrassing it is to have a card rejected.  We decided to take a long drive down a country road to have a little privacy and calm time to discuss this.  

However, the rational talking didn't start until I grabbed the debit card and crumpled/cracked it into several pieces and said, "Now you can go to the bank like a normal person and get money!"  I know what you're thinking, classy... I instantly regretted that as I was tossing the shards of our ONE and ONLY debit card into the backseat.  I knew I had finally hit a point where it should never come to again.

After my little incident, we kept driving and starting discussing how we really need to sit down and make a real budget.  We were both making enough that it shouldn't come down to the last dime in our checking account.  I told him about the humiliation of gathering a whole cart full of groceries and having the card decline. I told him that it really bothers me and I don't want to worry about things like that.  Once we started an open dialogue, wonderful things started happening... We agreed with each other!

We decided to sit down and make a serious budget.  We looked at all our outstanding debt, bills owed, monthly expenses, and how much we ate out a month--omg shocking!  We found that we could actually set aside some in savings, budget for fun money, and still pay off our debt.  Being completely honest about our goals and what we needed to do is one thing, sticking to it will be yet to be determined.

For now, we are doing pretty well.  We've paid down debts and have been working on getting those pesky collection notices to go away.  Once we tackled those, we can start setting aside more money into savings. Nothing is currently in savings, but knowing that it can exist has alleviated so much stress in our relationship. We are not accountable to each other for our purchases. We also agreed that before any major purchase can be made, we consult each other.  Twenty dollars here and there one purchase at a time can REALLY add up to a lot at the end of the month. 

Also, this venture in fiscal responsibility has made it possible for us to look for new apartments because we know what we can afford. It's made making a grocery list easier, and healthier, by cutting down on things that we just don't eat/use.  It's not been an easy road... there have been many a rolled eye and little spats here and there.  But the one thing that has been paramount for us is acting as a unit.  We are a team.  And we have started to figure out something that can either make or break couples.  

Now here's the kicker... remember how our debit card was declined?  Yeah, I had to eat crow.  When we got back home and checked the balance in our account online, there were 20.00+ in magazine subscription renewals.  The best part about my loving partner?  He laughed with me when we discovered it was my fault.  He laughed with me.  It made it easier to laugh at myself. 

We are still a ways off from being financially stable, but we have the groundwork down and agreement that we are in this together.  We both realize that we cannot be each others enemies. We are a team.

We may be young-in-love newlyweds, but we at least are realistic.  Marriage won't be easy, because life is not easy. But if you have someone you can share the load with, do everything you can for them.