Read at your own risk, contents are graphic and disturbing.

First and foremost, borderline personality disorder sucks ass. If I could get rid of it I would. I am sick of the bouts of depression, the constant knot in my gut, the OCD-like ticks, the anxiety over everything, and the toll that it takes on my personal relationships.

I don't know what fucking life memo I missed to end up being such a fuck up. I have a college degree that I do nothing with. I'm in a dead-end job paying for that fucking useless degree. I'm working poor and live hand-to-mouth. My credit score is closer to my IQ than something that would allow me to ever own a house or even rent a fucking apartment. I suck with money and have no willpower. And to boot, I'm overweight and hate myself but refuse to do anything about it. I give up so easily and am crushed by my lack of motivation.

Another thing that bothers me is my inability to process things like a normal fucking human being. I take a lot of things personal and am easily upset. Here's the thing, despite recognizing that, it doesn't make my emotions/pain/feelings any easier to control. So I know I'm a piece of shit and I'm just trapped in my fucking body. I'm a chore to be around and am lucky my husband is so patient.

The best part? I have to pay for shitty insurance in order to keep getting my medication. I can't afford to see the doctor without insurance. So I'm trapped in this fucking loop. The insurance cost way too much for what we get. Insurance is just a fucking scam anyways. If they just paid people a living fucking wage I'd gladly pay a private physician directly.

I literally have no identity. Or even know what the fuck that means. I think that everything I've learned in life is a big fucking lie. There is no "finding yourself". That is bullshit that serves for me to feel inadequate because I can't afford some fucking backpacking trip around Europe... or even gas to get to and from work. I'll admit I have some nice qualities. I empathize with others really well--but to a fault. I take on the anxiety/stress/sadness of others around me. And it just serves to destroy my heart and soul even more.

I just feel like I missed the fucking boat. Noah is on his ark and I'm like, "fuuuuck... I missed the boat." I can feel the rain just pour down on me and I can only float on top for so long. Now I get to watch everyone buy houses, get married, be successful, get good jobs, and somehow find some satisfaction in their lives.

I can't even find a job that matches my degree, I can't get a loan to consolidate my debts, I can't even get cleared to rent a fucking apartment because of my credit. Credit is a motherfucking load of bullshit. Why the fuck should I be judged on something that I never agreed to? I feel like a complete fuck up because I have to learn everything the hard way when it comes to money. I missed the memo on life fucking sucks so you better save up and watch yourself.

Part of my atrocious spending habits stem from my BPD. Okay, I have an excuse, but now what? How the fuck am I supposed to dig myself out of this fucking hole I've dug? Am I supposed to sit here and fight every day to keep the air in my lungs and my head above the fucking surface? Is that my lot in life? What's the fucking point?

On top of everything else, everyone in this world sucks--on a whole. My customers in every job I've ever worked give me further thought that every human is wicked by nature and they must fight to do good. They bitch and complain about the dumbest shit. They have no accountability nor take any responsibility for their actions. So why the fuck should I? I feel like the fucking lone fucking ranger trying to be a good person in a world full of shit. People murder each other over bicycles, money, greed, lust.. They steal human lives because.... because? Because they are selfish fuck holes who don't look at the whole picture. That person they stole the life from is a daughter/mother/aunt/son/nephew/unlce etc...

People are so emboldened in their own thought processes when it comes to politics and religion that I just want to fucking move to a deserted island and die alone. As Friedrich Nietzsche put it, "Convictions are more dangerous foes of truth than lies." People never attempt to play devil's advocate. They are just the victims of groupthink. They don't think for themselves. They listen to their parent's politics and are brainwashed and don't even know it. More than being frustrated with them, I pity the living fuck out of them. Though, Voltaire hits it spot-on when he said, "It is difficult to free fools from the chains they revere".

Now I've hit the point where all I want to do is start being honest about how I feel. I've been stuffing down/repressing all the thoughts/feelings I've had. I've been polite. All that's done is served me to get fucked over. Am I taking the high road? I don't know that it even exists. I think we are all on the same stupid fucking highway to hell. Maybe I won't arrive as quickly, but we all fucking suck as human beings.